Not going to lie, I’ve stolen this title from the current Foo Fighters UK tour. I’m sure they won’t mind, or even care (if it helps, I was in the crowd!), but if this doesn’t sum up my experience of ADHD, then I don’t know what does.
And let me tell you, being either everything, or nothing at all, is exhausting.
I’ve been exhausted for the best part of 30 years to be honest, and it’s not because I don’t practice enough self-care. I eat. I sleep. I am at one with the trees. It’s simply because my brain does not have an off button.
Which can be fantastic when it works in my favour. As they say, if you want something doing, ask a busy person. My boss frequently makes comments like “bloody hell, you’re a machine” when I inform her a seemingly impossible deadline has been met, or an excessive workload cleared.
I remember being sixteen years old, all false bravado and lip gloss, strutting around in my stone-washed denim jacket (collar up of course, it was the 80’s after all), with a badge pinned to the chest pocket declaring to the world that I thrive under pressure. Whilst it was actually the complete opposite of how I thrived back then, it has certainly been true for a number of years now, particularly when I’m working.
Which sounds great doesn’t it? A recipe for success. Just add water, or in my case pressure, and preferably a tight deadline, then sit back and watch in awe at what can be achieved with a little determination, or ‘H’, as I’ve come to realise it might be.
However, sometimes, more often than I care to admit, and certainly more often than will be noticeable to the untrained eye, things don’t quite go to plan. My brain’s inability to register when it has enough to contend with can be a recipe for disaster. It is constantly hungry for more, insatiable even, and I’m powerless to prevent it becoming either overstimulated and distracted, or overwhelmed and unfocused, and ultimately, hopelessly, paralysed.
These moments are draining, not only because they are highly stressful – the work still has to be completed after all, brain-freeze or no brain-freeze, but also because they come laden with frustration, and anger, and feelings of not being good enough. And these emotions weigh far heavier, and linger far longer, than any emotional high gained from, for example, meeting an impossible deadline or clearing an excessive workload.
You’re only as good as your last mistake, yeah?
So how do I overcome this? Indeed, is it even possible to overcome? I’m hoping this journey will help me find answers, although I feel I have unwittingly developed coping mechanisms over the years.
For instance, I’ve become an expert at writing lists. If it isn’t written down somewhere, there’s a high chance it isn’t getting done. There are paper lists and phone notes. I’ve a colour-coded Outlook diary which, funnily enough, overwhelms anyone with shared access to it, but makes me feel in control, and I still use traditional wall calendars – one hangs in my office and one in my kitchen. I’m never far away from a list!
Every weekday when I’m working, I hand write the day’s tasks in my notebook, collating information, digital and paper, work related and personal, into one master to-do list. It becomes my bible for the day.
I rarely cross everything off the list, I’ve a tendency to expect too much of myself (what a surprise), but it keeps me focused on the priorities for the most part, and it keeps me sane, for the most part.
Maybe one day it won’t all be so much effort. Wouldn’t that be nice?
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