One of the things I’ve come to realise, since ADHD popped onto my radar, is that I wouldn’t have suddenly developed the condition as an adult, should diagnosis be confirmed, rather, as a neurodevelopmental disorder, it will have always been there.
As I look back on my life through a different lens, albeit a somewhat confronting exercise, there are many events which I’m now beginning to view from a new perspective. Oh, so that’s why I made that decision/reacted that way/messed that up! It doesn’t make anything easier to remember, but it adds an element of understanding, and hopefully, eventually, some compassion too.
But, if it’s always been there, why wasn’t it picked up when I was a child? Well, I guess that’s easy to answer. I wasn’t naughty, and I wasn’t a boy, so I didn’t fit the typical ADHD mould.
However, I’m still Highly Likely to have ADHD, so there must have been signs. Especially with what we know today.
This had me searching even further back in the memory bank, back to being a child. Adult mistakes linger, take up more brain space, are easier to recall, whilst childhood memories, particularly difficult ones, are locked away, not deemed relevant enough to keep fresh. When they do surface from time to time, we simply pop them straight back into their box. We can’t move forward if we are a prisoner of our past, right?
So, as a child of the 70’s and 80’s, what characteristics did I have that would trigger a concern if I was a child today?
Ironically, probably none.
You see, when you are a little different, when you are a square peg trying to fit in a round hole, you become very good at appearing to be round.
There are signs though, if you look closely.
For instance, I would never put my hand up in class for fear of being wrong, even when I knew I wasn’t. I would second guess whether I misheard the question, or mis-remembered the answer. It certainly wasn’t worth the humiliation of being made to feel stupid, so my hand remained firmly by my side.
Again, in class, I was constantly told off for talking too much, or for not paying attention. I was moved away from my friends because they were distracting me, or I was distracting them. I failed tests because I spent lessons staring out of the window, or daydreaming.
When it came to taking my ‘O’ Levels (yes, I’m that old), despite enjoying the sciences, I failed both Physics and Biology. I simply couldn’t focus for the duration of a three-hour exam. For Biology specifically, I clearly remember being sat at the front desk of one of the many long lines of desks in the assembly hall, writing my name at the top of the paper, and then not writing anything else for those three excruciating hours. My brain, a vacuum, completely and utterly failed me.
After one year of re-taking exams, followed by two traumatic years barely scraping through my ‘A’ Levels, I declined the opportunity of university. I was done with education.
There are other signs, of course, if you look hard enough you can convince yourself of pretty much anything, but what have I learnt from all of this retrospection?
Mainly that I’ve simply scratched the surface of what it means for an individual to have ADHD, that any enlightenment I may be experiencing is just the tip of a very large iceberg, but, mostly, that I owe the child I once was some answers, because she’s still within me, my sweet, misunderstood inner child.
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